Children need encouragement from their parents and other key figures in their world. When presented with a
problem or obstacle, a child can either rise to the challenge or shy away, avoiding the risk of failure. In contrast, in the child’s mind, adults appear to manage daunting tasks with little effort and with seemingly magical results. Therefore, it is all the more important that our children hear the message that they too are capable and competent.
Encouragement supports children in healthy risk taking. It leads them to problem solving and feeling self-assured. It is important however, to distinguish between encouragement and praise. Encouragement recognizes effort and focuses on the child’s potential. Praise on the other hand acknowledges accomplishments, the final product. If we dissect the word encouragement we come up with
courage. This is what we give our children when we believe in them!
We all understand the importance of setting limits for our children. Limits teach children self-regulation. Limits also define for children what is socially acceptable. What most parents don’t realize is that children yearn for appropriate limits. Without them, children actually feel vulnerable. A parent who is in control gives the child the feeling of being protected – a sense of safety. When a parent is inconsistent, children no longer know what to expect from the parent or what the parent expects from them.
There are many reasons why parents are inconsistent. Commonly, parents realize on some level that the ‘punishment’ is unfair or impossible to carry out. Some parents feel sorry for the child, thinking that limits will invariably cause emotional scaring. These parents may set limits, but they also tend to give in. When children are aware of these inconsistencies, they tend to not take parental controls seriously. Understanding the underlying importance of limits combined with the use of appropriate consequences, a parent is more likely to follow through on their word.
As parents we all struggle with the question of how to best discipline our children. We want our children to grow up emotionally healthy and self-assured. The concerned parent wonders if their approach to discipline is harmful are facilitating their child's emotional and developmental needs.
Parents know when things are not working or that their approach to discipline will not impart the kind of lessons to their children they would like to teach. The first step to developing a healthy approach to discipline is to distinguish between the concepts of “
punishment” and “
consequences.” I often hear parents say that “
consequences” don’t work with their child. When I inquire as to what goes on between the parent and child, what the parent generally
describes is punishment. Punishment involves the parent being angry with the child. Consequences tend to be heavy-handed or punitive. This approach leads the child to feeling angry and resentful and generally to more acting out of the very behavior the parent was trying to reduce
(in order to get even).
Consequences, on the other hand do not punish but teach. When appropriate consequences are employed the child takes ownership and responsibility for the problem. Since the child is not fighting the parent, s/he is in a better position to make the necessary corrections. Children have a need to belong. When children are misbehaving they feel this is the way to belong. A sound approach to discipline offers children the opportunity to belong in a healthy fashion. Consequently, they become more loving and happy children.
