Parents often struggle with getting children to take initiative or responsibility. Chores and school work are probably the two most common complaints I hear from parents. These situations can lead parents to become overly involved in attempts to make the child take responsibility. It seems the more the parent tries to gain the child’s cooperation, the less willing they become.

The parents involvement, “micro-management”, worry or nagging informs the child that mom/dad are willing to take on the problem. Parents are aware that they are more anxious about the problem than the child seems to be.

Consequences tend to be ineffective because the child does not yet own the problem – they aren’t worried about it – after all mom or dad does enough worrying for the both of them.

Before getting involved, the parent should ask themselves, “who owns this problem?”  If the problem potentially effects only the child, then the child owns the problem. If on the other hand the child’s behavior directly effects the parent (or others), then the parent owns the problem. The answer to this question informs the parent in their approach to resolving the situation. In some instances it may be sufficient to simply allow the “natural” consequences of the child’s actions to correct the behavior. In other words, nothing is required of the parent. For example, if the child fails to complete a homework assignment, the child faces the natural consequence of  having to explain to his or her teacher why the assignment wasn’t done. In other situations, “logical“ consequences may need to be employed by the parent. So for example, if the child fails to take out the garbage within the expected time frame, the child might incur monetary fines.

The child may have come to expect that the parent will take ownership of the problem. Interventions from the parent therefore need to be designed to put the problem back in the child’s lap. Conversations about the problem should convey this to the child. The parent might ask the child to problem solve rather than being upset with the child or demanding change. Requiring the child to come up with a solution communicates the underlying notion that it is indeed the child’s problem. The parent may accept the child’s solution, give it a trial run, point out the potential pitfalls in the child’s ideas, or offer their own suggestions along with the use of appropriate consequences if necessary. In the end, an agreement is decided upon between the parent and child with the promise of revisiting the solution within a certain time frame in order to monitor progress and make revisions as necessary.