As parents we all struggle with the question of how to best discipline our children. We want our children to grow up emotionally healthy and self-assured. The concerned parent wonders if their approach to discipline is harmful are facilitating their child's emotional and developmental needs.

Parents know when things are not working or that their approach to discipline will not impart the kind of lessons to their children they would like to teach. The first step to developing a healthy approach to discipline is to distinguish between the concepts of “punishment” and “consequences.” I often hear parents say that “consequences” don’t work with their child. When I inquire as to what goes on between the parent and child, what the parent generally describes is punishment. Punishment involves the parent being angry with the child. Consequences tend to be heavy-handed or punitive. This approach leads the child to feeling angry and resentful and generally to more acting out of the very behavior the parent was trying to reduce (in order to get even).

Consequences, on the other hand do not punish but teach. When appropriate consequences are employed the child takes ownership and responsibility for the problem. Since the child is not fighting the parent, s/he is in a better position to make the necessary corrections. Children have a need to belong. When children are misbehaving they feel this is the way to belong. A sound approach to discipline offers children the opportunity to belong in a healthy fashion. Consequently, they become more loving and happy children.